COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Unexpected Judgment
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much