Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”