Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
wtf
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR