Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

I love art.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*