cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You Might Also Like
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza