Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.