Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.