COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?