COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Thursday Thought.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.