Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one