cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
You Might Also Like
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
there has never been a better use of this meme
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”