cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
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Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe