Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Bit chilly again tonight.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE