Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

How did we not see this back then?

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.