Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

A woman drives into a bar.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

me after eating Cheetos

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.