Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.