COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”

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Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁


PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!


[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?


I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!


Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”


If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.


Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.


In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?