Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no