@_NTFG_

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”

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@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁

@Holy_Mowgli

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

@KimmyMonte

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@Lhlodder

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@ramblinma

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

@cpabry

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@brendohare

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?