me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
grotesque if literal: baby food
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no