Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

October already? What’s next? November????

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.