Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

It’s on my to-do list.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.