Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
oh you wanna fight?!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥