Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
early stone age tool
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Worth a try
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
This did not end as expected.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.