Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?