Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’