Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.