Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.