@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

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@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house

@PinkCamoTO

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

@dannyboy7813

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

@jonnysun

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@qwertying

I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”