[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You Might Also Like
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”