cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
When he asks for feet pics
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
The government even made aliens boring
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.