cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You Might Also Like
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
my proudest tweet
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones