cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”