Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring