Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.