COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Yup.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”