sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.