if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: you like my car?
Me: I could do this all day.
You Might Also Like
If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]
Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread
Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*
CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh, OK.
*slowly repacks trolley*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.