Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou