Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Coffee is ready.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip