Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

ㅤ

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

tell em, edith-anne

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.