Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What about second breakfast?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Don’t make me out nice you.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold