Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

i hope my email finds you on fire

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct