Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My therapist after every session
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.