Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.