COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
6. me as a lawyer
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Succinctly put.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless