COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain