Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Social Media and Real life
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.