Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”