Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

somebody come look at this

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.