Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*