cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Muppet Screams
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché