cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.