COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.