COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
my lower back watching me try to live my life
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer