Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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having a job is cool but everydayyy???
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE