Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

same but as an audience member

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.