Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent