@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

- @ArfMeasures

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@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@GrumpyyCat

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@Dirty_Naomi

2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@HenpeckedHal

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@fuzzlime

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”