Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl