Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
the three branches of government
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*