Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.