COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.