Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

If looks could kill

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure