Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

boys are so easy to impress

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

sir, my pâté if you please

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot