Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

Catercrombie & Fish

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.