Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

the greatest twitter interaction

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”