COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You Might Also Like
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician