Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.