COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON